Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Come share oat with me in your robe
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
