I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
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