We won't sleep together?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
