Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
