Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
