Are we in a gay sports bar?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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