Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
