Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
