Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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