Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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