Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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