did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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