your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
