I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
