What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
