I'd wear matching sweaters with you
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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