life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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