Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
