i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
