Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it's like iHOP with fire
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
