Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
