girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
