How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
