when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You're like the curious george of whores
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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