When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
