So drunk, too bad you don't want this
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Randomize
