I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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