I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
