you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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