the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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