he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
