Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
