Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
