Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
