if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
