hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
