I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
