youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
