I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
