someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
