so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
