I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
