the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
