I met the friendliest cop last night
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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