I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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