My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
