Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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