OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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