is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
