You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
