if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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